Jabba the Hutt Engagement Ring

It is Valentine’s Day tomorrow but if you really love someone do not buy this. This kind of engagement is for people who think that an Elvis wedding would be too classy and sophisticated for them. It is too tacky and tasteless for reality and probably is just an example of viral marketing that nobody is going actually buy. It is just an excuse for outraged bloggers like Paula Forbes on Eater.com (where we saw it) to write entries and mention the brand name. And anyone who did buy it would just be used in more viral marketing to promote the same popular pizza franchise. If you love someone and don’t just want to eat their salty, high fat content do not buy this stuff – for a healthy alternative try Lebanese pizzas instead.

Our good friend Jane spotted a report on this offer online.

 

Model Sleeping Koala in Basket

Who buys a 12” model of a sleeping koala in basket? These kinds of models of a sleeping puppy or kitten are bad enough to be sickeningly cute. Adding Australiana kitsch to equation is pathological. It is not a souvenir of Australia and it is not a suitable gift for anyone. It makes no sense as koalas sleep in trees not baskets and it serves no function other than to be purchased on an impulse. If you have the uncontrollable impulse to buy this koala why use the not donate the money to Chlamydia research instead, as this disease is killing the actual koala population. For more information on how to help real koalas see the Friends of the Koala.

Catherine took this photograph in Sydney.

Bacon Scented Candle

Who buys bacon-scented candles? In this case we know that many people have bought them because they have sold out on Amazon. We also know, due to Amazon’s feature, that people who bought this product also bought other bacon themed products (soap, band-aids, action figures) and the DVD of Labyrinth (indicating that there may be some ham content in Labyrinth). There were, unfortunately, no customer reviews for this product. What we want to know is has anyone lit one of these candles more than once after they were given it as a joke? Is there some guy out there thinking: “friends are coming around and my house smells a bit stale, I think I’ll light my bacon scented candle to freshen the air.” I can’t imagine it.

My cousin, Art brought this to our attention on Facebook. As Art wrote: “All the happiness of the smell, but none of the calories or grease stains.”

Christmas Cuddlies For Dogs

Who buys Christmas themed cuddly toys for their dog? Who buys Christmas gifts for their dog anyway? Are you going to wrap it up and what are you going to write on the card?  How do you know that your dog wants to celebrate Christmas anyway? It might not be part of your dog’s religion. Why not just give your dog some dog food and tell them that it is a Christmas gift – they won’t know the difference! So many questions are raised by this ugly teddy bear as a Christmas tree (including questions raised by our last Christmas item the Teddy Bear Snow Globe).

Do not buy stupid Christmas themed stuff – instead photograph it, have a good laugh at the image and send us the photo/s so that everyone can enjoy the joke.

Mark photographed this in a pet shop in Malvern.

Answers and more Questions

We now know who buys a life-sized model of a horse with a lamp on its head. At (Aust) $4,500 – nobody. Last week in a full-page advertisement (The Age 4/2/10) along with other replica designer furniture, it was offered at the reduced price of $3,795 in the hope that somebody would buy a ”Replica Moooi Front Design Horse Lamp”.

Consider the Dora Aquapet, no longer for sale for reasons obvious to everyone but the designer. (Thanks to Linda for sending the link.) This failure suggests that the real question should be: who makes this stuff? How does it ever get to the production stage? Isn’t there a meeting where people look at the design model and says: “no, it looks like a sex toy”?

You might not buy this stuff. You might: Think before you buy: Consumerism warning labels. Nobody might buy this stuff but it still gets made in the hope that someone might buy it.

Online shopping offers more dubious stuff than all the shop windows in actual world. The boob mat, for example, takes surfing for porn to a whole new level of hyperreality. And they are ergonomic. And made in Australia. There are so many reasons to buy. What more could you want? (Thanks to Richard for sending the link.)

And there are many more strange things that make us wonder (ooh it makes me wonder). And as you walk on down the road if you see anything makes you wonder send a photograph of it to us. We need more strange stuff to keep this blog going – we have run out of photographs for this week. The stuff is out there but it will not make you free, or beautiful, or wise.

Novelty Dog-Face Mug

Who buys novelty dog-face mugs? Perhaps the shop owner who has this displayed in their shop window realizes the impracticality of such a mug, which has such a wide lip it would be impossible to drink from. After all, there is only one in the window and it is dusty at that. In addition to all this, it is ugly! Who even believes such a thing sells? It raises the important question – who designs this stuff? Are they aesthetically disabled? What other stuff are they foisting on the world? Perhaps the manufacturers and designers of these novelty dog-face stuff are themselves contenders for the Landfill Prize, or some landfill site where their decomposing bodies won’t be noticed.

Catherine photographed this mug in a Coburg shop.

Chocolate Penises

Who buys a chocolate penis with white chocolate cum dripping down? People who like fine, smooth Belgium chocolate and enjoy risqué shapes might like them but how satisfying would they be? And where would be an appropriate place to consume these chocolates? Would you suck on them in the street? Once again this stuff appears to be intended as a naughty gift but only for a lover, not for parents, colleagues or the kids however much they might enjoy the chocolate.

Mark photographed this shop in Bruges. This shop window raises more questions than other things.

Teddy Bear Xmas Snow-globe

Who buys a snow-globe with a teddy bear Madonna and teddy bear child inside with an Xmas theme? Buying inappropriate gifts is part of the festive consumer season; who hasn’t received one or more? This one was given anonymously as a Kris Kringle gift so we don’t know who bought it. It failed so completely as a gift that it was immediately traded for chocolate. It is the very definition of kitsch by Clement Greenberg on nitro. The snow globe is a translation of a high art, a Madonna and child, into two inappropriate media – teddy bears and snow globes. This snow-globe was obviously designed by someone who was only vaguely familiar with Xmas and Christian symbolism – why do the teddy bears have wings? It does explain the old saying: it is better to give than to receive. It is better to give this stuff than to receive it.

Photographed by Richard.

Miniature bottles

Who spends $19.95 on a tiny bottle of Glenfarclas, 10 year-old Highland Malt Scotch Whisky? Who buys miniature bottles of alcohol anyway aside from people stocking bar fridges in hotels. And then they don’t put bottles of an obscure Scotch whisky like Glenfarclas in the fridge – they stock it with Johnny Walker. And who buys stuff from a hotel bar fridge? Why do they even make miniature bottles of alcohol anyway? They are advertised as gifts, the classic excuse for so much useless stuff in the world.

Mark took this photograph at a shop in Melbourne that specializes in these tiny bottles of alcohol.