Kangaroo Scrotums

Who buys kangaroo scrotum bottle openers and lighter holders? This kind of handicraft reminds me of Ed Gaines and the uses that he made of human body parts. But then I have different tastes to Ed Gaines, he was a necrophilic for one thing. I can understand the motivation to make them; you have all these kangaroo scrotums just going to waste, as you do in Australia, and waste not want not, but who buys this stuff? I mean how many balls jokes can you make as you open another bottle or light up another cigarette? An amusing visual gag that not even Russell Brand would touch. They are intended as souvenirs of Australia and don’t get me started about the stuff that people buy as souvenirs only to gather dust before being thrown out after going unsold in a garage/yard sale because, seriously, who buys kangaroo scrotums?

Catherine photographed these in Sydney.

Jabba the Hutt Engagement Ring

It is Valentine’s Day tomorrow but if you really love someone do not buy this. This kind of engagement is for people who think that an Elvis wedding would be too classy and sophisticated for them. It is too tacky and tasteless for reality and probably is just an example of viral marketing that nobody is going actually buy. It is just an excuse for outraged bloggers like Paula Forbes on Eater.com (where we saw it) to write entries and mention the brand name. And anyone who did buy it would just be used in more viral marketing to promote the same popular pizza franchise. If you love someone and don’t just want to eat their salty, high fat content do not buy this stuff – for a healthy alternative try Lebanese pizzas instead.

Our good friend Jane spotted a report on this offer online.

 

Christmas Presents for Jesus

Gold, frankincense and myrrh obviously, the traditional gifts of the Magi, but what about a parrot? There is an actual painting in the Prado of the infant Jesus being given a parrot by angels in heaven (how they got a parrot into heaven is another story, since I know that dogs aren’t permitted). I hope that nobody does a painting of the teenage Jesus being given an Xbox for his birthday by angels in heaven; I can see it already, hanging in a church inspiring the faithful. (Why aren’t there more paintings depicting Jesus’ teenage years?) So what do you give a kid who has everything? A big box of nothing, that’s what. You know how kids love big cardboard boxes – they can play with them for hours. We, at Who Buys This Stuff, recommend buying consumable items for presents, like roast nuts or chocolate or in Jesus’ case, a big empty cardboard box.

Live Christmas Tree in Coburg, photo by Mark

Conference Stuff

Who buys this marketing and promotional stuff for conferences? This time we know who is buying it; it is the people organizing conferences and the people organizing the trade stalls at conferences. Catherine goes to several conferences each year and now we have so many pens (along with post-it notes) from conferences that we have not had to buy one for another 5 years.

We can donate the excess conference bags to the op-shop. The other alternative is to bin them. However, the conference bags from Dublin last year, as well as, the recent one from Brisbane, are biodegradable.

The weirdest and fun item was found at a trade stall – a highlighter in the shape of a syringe. The most useless was a packet of spicy crab seasoning containing MSG – it went straight into the hotel room bin.

How well all of this works as marketing I don’t know. I’ve been using this Herceptin pen for a couple of years. And I don’t have any idea what Herceptin is, nor do I care.

Catherine took these photograph of the stuff from Information Online 2011, Sydney.

Sequin Covered Ugg Boots

“Its noice, different, unusual…” but besides Kath and Kim who would buy sequin covered Ugg boots? I know that the sheepskin Ugg Boots have become a worldwide trend in recent years but they are never and will never been a fashionable item of footwear. Ugg Boots are the troglodyte footwear and the bogans who wear them lack any fashion sense. Some people may defend wearing them for practical reasons and I hope that they only wear them around the house when alone or with close family and not in public. But these boots scream out “Buy me you glam bogan and wear it out in one night clubbing?” Covering something in glittering sequins does not improve its quality, style or appeal – it just screams cheap and tacky. But this is not simply a question of taste a sheep died for these outrages against taste.

Mark photographed these in Melbourne.

Cat Shaped Cat Bowls

Who buys wood cat shaped containers for cat food bowls? I never knew that I even needed one; my cat just ate out of a bowl on top of some old newspaper and then later an old plastic placemat. And what will the pet think when they eat from the bowl? “When I die they will turn me into a container for a bowl to feed the next pet.” It has gross, cannibalistic aspects to it that mixed with a corny wood carved cuteness results in freaky effect. Fortunately the poor pets that have to eat out of these things probably just think: “food, yum, yum”. And after a few spills the ugly cat shaped bowls will be thrown out to become landfill.

Mark photographed these in Brunswick.

Rhinestone Encrusted Stuff

Who buys leopard print rhinestone encrusted stuff? Or pink rhinestone encrusted stuff, for that matter?

Sometimes it is just a question of taste – people do have different taste but there is bad taste and there is really bad taste. I mean what kind of décor or fashion would leopard print rhinestones go with? How are you going to co-ordinate with these outrageous accessories? These items are too over the top for anyone except Bootsy Collins and you are not, nor will you ever be, Bootsy Collins.

Catherine and I get comments on this blog from people who want to buy the stuff that we write about. We wonder if they have read the blog? We ask them why but they only want to know where they can buy it. We tell them you don’t need them, you should have better taste than to want them, so don’t buy them.

Mark took these photographs in Melbourne.

Who Buys “Stuff”?

Who buys a magazine about stuff, prosaically called “Stuff”? We thought that this was the perfect magazine to feature on our website, after all it is called “Stuff”. We then had to stifle our joy and shift into a righteous rage to rant about the magazine? Isn’t there enough advertising for stuff in the other magazines that you buy already? And why is the magazine “Express Delivery” – can’t people get Stuff soon enough? It is a crazy consumer world and this magazine will keep you informed about more stuff, gadgets, gizmos and doohickeys than you can buy or dream about buying. Of course it all requires a girl in a white bikini and high heels on the front cover in order to make this stuff sexy.

“I’m too sexy for this stuff, too sexy for this stuff,

Too sexy for this guff.”

(Apologies to Right Said Fred, as if he shouldn’t be apologizing to everyone for that song, already.)

Catherine took this photograph in Melbourne.

Model Sleeping Koala in Basket

Who buys a 12” model of a sleeping koala in basket? These kinds of models of a sleeping puppy or kitten are bad enough to be sickeningly cute. Adding Australiana kitsch to equation is pathological. It is not a souvenir of Australia and it is not a suitable gift for anyone. It makes no sense as koalas sleep in trees not baskets and it serves no function other than to be purchased on an impulse. If you have the uncontrollable impulse to buy this koala why use the not donate the money to Chlamydia research instead, as this disease is killing the actual koala population. For more information on how to help real koalas see the Friends of the Koala.

Catherine took this photograph in Sydney.

Bacon Scented Candle

Who buys bacon-scented candles? In this case we know that many people have bought them because they have sold out on Amazon. We also know, due to Amazon’s feature, that people who bought this product also bought other bacon themed products (soap, band-aids, action figures) and the DVD of Labyrinth (indicating that there may be some ham content in Labyrinth). There were, unfortunately, no customer reviews for this product. What we want to know is has anyone lit one of these candles more than once after they were given it as a joke? Is there some guy out there thinking: “friends are coming around and my house smells a bit stale, I think I’ll light my bacon scented candle to freshen the air.” I can’t imagine it.

My cousin, Art brought this to our attention on Facebook. As Art wrote: “All the happiness of the smell, but none of the calories or grease stains.”